On this glorious day, my British buddy Phil is finalizing his dual citizenship with the U.S. and U.K. As a courtesy to him, I’ve prepared this list of vital differences between America and England to facilitate his naturalization.
1. Stop putting extra letters in your words. Prime examples are as follows: color, armor, flavor, honor. Seriously guys, you’re just cheating at Scrabble when you do that.
2. No one in the states acclimatizes to anything. We become acclimated.
3. Torches provide light with fire. I’m sure electricity is mystical to what must be a very backwards island, but in America we call them flashlights when they use electricity and light bulbs.
4. We keep our skeletons in closets in the States, not the cupboard. This is really just a matter of hygiene. Would you want your cereal stored in the same place you store your corpses?
5. Do you know where everything in the world is? Forget it as quickly as you can. You only have to know where Mexico and Canada are. The former to build a fence to keep them out, the latter to buy cheap prescription drugs.
6. So you had socialized medicine in England, did you? We don’t have freebies in this country. Get a job you Commie!
7. There are no topless women on page 3 of our tabloids. What kind of people are…wait…that one we need to bring stateside…
8. Forget about news that matters, the BBC just keeps it too real. Instead, learn to enjoy hearing about Paris Hilton on CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, etc. 24/7
9. Football is played with your hands.
10. Remember to buy a gun and a cowboy hat, you’ll need it when you’re cast as the token American in British movies.
Welcome to America, buddy. You’re gonna love it here!
Leave a Reply